Personal Gifts

I recently listed to a woman speak about ‘personal gifts’. I have heard this airy-fairy notion that ‘everyone has something to contribute to the world’ before. Most of it is trite and cliched mumbo jumbo. I’d like to think I have something unique and special to give to the world, but let’s be practical. I know, as well as anyone else that this world will keep turning whether I live or die. I can acknowledge that my existence has meant something to a few people, but not enough to ‘contribute’ anything to this planet, as a whole.

But this woman’s lecture was much more down to earth and reasonable than most of the crap that this subject seems to lure to it. It kind of inspired me to think about my little gifts. What can I contribute to the people in my life. Screw the world, it can die in a fire for all I care. It’s not worth much as a whole anyhow. Besides, how narcissistic is it to believe that your birth was meant to impact the entire world and human history, much less the universe, in a meaningful way. If you were to buy that line of new age hooey, then I’d say it’s time for you to seek out professional help. Don’t ask me why that rare individual, who accomplishes something that truly changes the world, ends up being “that person”. That gets into ideas of predestination, foreordination and other cans of worms that I don’t know anything about.

But I do have a ‘Micro-World’ that exists and it involves the people around me, and the nano section of the universe that I was born into. Within that context, I can use my gifts. That is an idea that I can buy into. You’re only given a short amount of time and a little piece earth to live this life and do something worthwhile.

What will I do?

I don’t know. I’m not really sure what gifts I have. I’ve never really seen myself as a ‘gifted’ person. Maybe it’s time I did acknowledge that I, in fact, do have certain gifts to share with others. I’ve been wrapped up in my own little dark world, consumed by my own fears. Probably my biggest fear is that I have no talent. No gift. To interact with the world around me could prove that. Maybe that is why I don’t try to find my gifts, or develop my talents. It would be one thing to fantasize that you have a talent, it would be another to realized, through experience, that you have no talent at all. If you never tried, at least you could cling to the fantasy.

But at the same time, a fantasy gift does nothing for anyone, especially me. So that obviously isn’t going to work. Guess I’m going to have to try to develop gifts that I know, through experience, that I have.

This brings me back to school. I think I have an undeveloped gift for understanding the mind, and human behavior, so I’m going to try psychology. The fear is that I’ll be no good at it, and realize I’ve wasted years on schooling and have nothing to show for it. That kind of failure is daunting, embarrassing, humiliating and overwhelming to me. But I have to have a little faith.

Once I’ve developed these gifts, I dare to think that I may be able to help someone live a better, more peaceful, balanced life. A life they can feel good about instead of walking around aimlessly, feeling broken, like I had for so many years.

Random stuff from an imperfect brain

This one is going to be kinda random, because, as with most things, I haven’t really thought out what I want to say. It tends to get me a little trouble.

But something that really irked me today was the reiteration that things are supposed to be ‘right’ or ‘perfect’ all the time. This person still can’t fully grasp the idea that things rarely go perfectly as planned. As the world becomes more complex, and as we add more and more knowledge, information,experience and innovation into society, it will continue to grow in complexity. The more complexity, the more opportunity to solve problems.

At least that is the way I see it. I’ve learned from experience that putting unrealistic expectations on yourself, others or on life in general will generate anxiety and disappointment. Anger and blame can soon follow.

Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have high expectations. We should. We should always be willing to do a little more, and a little better as we move through life. Tony Robbins said “Your job is not to be perfect, but to be excellent”. Wise words. Excellence can build self esteem, and is obtainable. Perfectionism, in its extreme form, kills self-esteem. It defeats self-worth instead of enchancing it. It is unobtainable and therefore, only good for one thing. Producing frustration and anxiety.

Let me illustrate with a personal experience: A few years ago, I was receiving an employee review from a boss. As I sat there, expecting to hear a mostly good review, I was disappointed to hear feedback such as “well, you do your job, I can’t say that you are excellent, because noone is really excellent at a job. I mean, you do your job or you don’t. You either do it right or wrong. So, you do your job. The only thing I can say is keep your workspace more organized and make less mistakes. Other than that, you do your job.” There was very little said about my work performance, but a mountain about him and his perspective on me as an employee. I came to the realization that he wasn’t concerned about my work performance in a realistic way. I was either perfect, or I was not. I was just another machine in the office that, if it was not making mistakes, it was functioning. If it made a mistake, it was broken. As time went on, I realized that I would never be a good employee. I’d always just be doing my job, no matter how hard I tried to please the employer, and show them that I was dedicated to it’s success, that I could solve its problems.

I felt completely disempowered by this expectation by my employer. Either you were perfect, or you were broken. So, I have never tried to make a difference since. I do what I’m told, maintain the status quo and try not to make mistakes. I take no risks in trying to improve my department, I simply do what I can to “just do my job”.

Here is an interesting thought as well… In the pursuit of perfection, I have actually have tried to do less work during the day, simply because the more I do, the more potential to make a mistake. I measure my work day in mistakes, and how many times I’ve been insulted for being imperfect. Instead of leaving the work day evaluating it by how productive and effective I’ve been, I evaluate it by how little mistakes I’ve produced. To make no mistakes in my job is to do nothing.

The pursuit of perfection is a nobel one, but one that is unobtainable. Knowing that, I have released myself from that expectation. I’ve decided that it’s time to once again pursue excellence through effort, hard work, trial and error. I”m heading back to school to get a degree in something that I’ve held a deep interest in for years, and it feels pretty good. I’m optimistic again, I’m hopeful again. I feel like me again. I am genuinely looking forward to succeeding at something despite my imperfection. That dichotomous view of either I’m perfect or useless is dwindling again.

My workplace no longer means a whole lot to me, which is shouldn’t. Not under this expectation where everything is supposed to be easy, problem free and perfect. Anything less than that is failure, and I don’t buy it.

Thoughts about Charlie Sheen

I’ve been watching this epic, bi-winning trainwreck we call Charlie Sheen over the past few weeks and I have to say that I’m amazed and impressed.

It’s obvious that Charlie Sheen is in a manic state. The fountain of what some people see as garbled expression is ever flowing, bubbling effervescently out of his mouth. It’s amazing to watch. It’s even more amazing to sit and ponder what he’s saying.

Charlie Sheen is pissed. He’s pissed that a bunch of network suits canned him and took away his cash cow, “2 and a half men”. Not only is he pissed, but he also feels pretty humiliated. After all, he’s Charlie Sheen and the star of the show. How could they do that? It’s probably never consciously occurred to him that he was fired for, well, being an asshole.

In defense of his ego, he’s formed a grandiose vision of greatness. He’s “Gold” and “Winning” and all those who oppose him are “Trolls” Very dichotomous. Very black and white. Either you’re in “Sheen’s Corner or you’re with the Trolls”

But before we judge Sheen as a whacko, stop and think. If you were making $1.2 million for completing 25 minutes of sitcom material, then suddenly fired for things you did in your personal life, you’d be pretty pissed off too. Secondly, the media would be on your back, judging you and labeling you as being a certain type of person. The media would throw out their interpretation of who you are for millions to see. You love your lifestyle, and millions are now condemning you for it.

I can see where all of the explosive anger is coming from. Sure, it’s his own fault, he’s created this mess, but I can see why he’d be angry nonetheless.

So, what’s to be impressed with? I’m impressed with his expression. It’s WILD! It’s great! We could all use a little bit of that gargantuan positive self image!

Dammit Charlie, Brett gets it, and keep spilling your gold! Here are a few of my favorite “Positive Affirmations” that he’s spun out of his golden brain.

interviewer:”Are you bi-polar?”
Charlie: “(pause) I’m Bi-Winning… I win here, I win there….”

“come on bro, I’ve got tiger blood”

“Can’t is the Cancer of Happen”

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen”

“The warlock of your jealous-face sits before you!”

“Duh, Winning”

Publicist “I think you’re better solo..”
Charlie: “I know that I’m better solo, don’t think, KNOW that I’m better solo… there was like, 2 guys on a plane and one of them jumped out and said “It’s Charlie Sheen, It’s called SOLO.”

Publicist: “…do your thing”
Charlie:”Yeah, I know and my thing is gold, and platinum and diamonds and any other precious gem that falls out of losers buttholes.”

“Here’s the thing, there’s one side to me, and it’s ME. and it’s gnarly and it’s crazy and it’s more than they deserve.”

__

We’ve all been exposed to humiliation, being pissed off, playing nice when we really don’t want to. We all know what it’s like to have low self esteem, feel worthless and under appreciated. Just think back onto all of those situations that produced those feelings…. Now, what would you have done to have Charlie Sheen’s mania driven self-image to carry you through those times? Looking back on those times, I could have used a dose, (though a very low dose) of that drug we now know of as “Charlie Sheen”.

Take him for what he is and harvest whatever gold you can get from this mans very public meltdown. It’s in there, you just have to stop and listen.

Anxiety!

I’ve been struggling through a nasty cycle of anxiety and depression the past couple of weeks. Nothing overpowering, but I’m not adapting very well to my current life changes. It’s normal, I suppose. I’m in the beginning phases of changing my career, re-evaluating my role as a parent to a teenager, re-committing to my role in my church, and re-discovering myself a little.

As the kids get older, they start needing you less, and you have to encourage a certain degree of autonomy and self reliance. When you have more time to reflect on yourself, you rediscover things that you may have forgotten about yourself, and things you’ve neglected.

All of this accumulating stress has resulted in a nasty bout of anxiety, and mild depression. I woke up feeling worried and stressed about the little things. I have become hyper-vigilant again, anticipating others will despise me or hurt me. A tone of voice, a look, people whispering, people giggling is interpreted to be about me, and my deficiencies.

How do I get out of this state of mind? It’s not easy. It takes time, and it takes some effort. I’ll mention a few things I do.

1) Accomplish something: Not only does it take your mind off of whatever is producing the anxiety, it boosts your sense of self worth. Write a song, write a poem, build a bird house, change the oil in the car, organize your room, do the dishes, climb a mountain, take a hike, do some volunteer work. Their is always an opportunity to accomplish. Every minute that ticks by is an opportunity to do something that benefits you and/or something else.

2) Engage and interact: When you have the problem of fearing what other are thinking of you the same way I do, it’s can be paralyzing. You avoid interaction with others, you become withdrawn and lonely, even though you long to get to know others and have other know you. When I start this cycle, I make it a point to do little things to interact with other people. If I’m in the store, I’ll say something chatty to the cashier, or another customer that might be standing next to me in line. If anything, smile and say hello. It’s one word. When I’m in church, I force myself to say something to participate in discussions, or volunteer to give a prayer, or read a scripture. If you aren’t part of a religion, there are may opportunities to participate in discussions. In family, in classrooms, at jobs. Take your pick but make the effort and take the risk to SAY SOMETHING to engage others. How does this relieve anxiety? You participate in REALITY, not just what is in your head. Once you experience the reality of socializing, you will start to replace anxious, unrealistic thoughts with actual experience and knowledge that there is no threat to interaction, and that a little embarrassment won’t kill you.

3) It’s not all about you: I remember when I was standing outside of Maritime Hall in San Francisco, waiting for a concert to start, I mentioned to one of my friends that I felt uncomfortable and felt that others were looking at me and judging me. Christine looked at me and blurted out ‘Brett, not everything is about you!” It shook me a little and gave me a mental jolt. In the first seconds of processing that statement, I thought maybe she indicated that I was conceited, but quickly realized that she was simply saying that people have better things to do than pick on me or judge me. People are living their own lives independently of me and my deficiencies. I felt a sudden sense of relief and felt I had received a HUGE reality check. It wasn’t “All About Me”. A more accurate statement would be “Its not all about my deficiencies or worthlessness” Now, when I start to entertain the thought that whispers and giggles are about me and what is wrong with me, I flash back to Christine, and the statement “Brett, not everything is about you”.

4) I have what I call a “Trigger Word”. My trigger word is “Bullshit”. : Yeah, it’s not the prettiest word, but it’s an effective word. It’s a jolting word. It snaps me out of negative self-talk. When I start thinking out a scenario where I’m persecuted, insulted, accused and being shamed by others, I say to myself “This is bullshit”. Why? Because 9 times out of 10 its the truth… my thoughts are bullshit. It’s just my way of reenforcing my own self doubt, insecurity and fears. What others think or say about me isn’t my business. And in truth, it’s most likely that people aren’t saying anything about me. If it is true, it’s usually in some benign context. They haven’t discovered my deficiencies, and even if they have, so what? Who’s perfect in this world? I have a lot more strengths than I do weaknesses. These negative thoughts I’m playing with are simply one thing. Bullshit.

5) The last thing is simple. Don’t be afraid to feel good about yourself. Realize your potentials, strengths and abilities. We all have weaknesses and need to overcome them, but that isn’t all we are. We aren’t the sum of what our problems are. If you receive a compliment, keep it with you. Carry that acknowledgement of your abilities quietly with you and reflect on that in times of beating yourself up about your deficiencies.

Just be ok.

Romantic notions of suicide

Don’t be alarmed. I’m not the type to do suicide, but I am the type to romanticize it’s benefits. Today is one of those days that I’m contemplating my death, and what a relief it will be to have this all over. This mortal world, for all of its beauty, experience, pleasure and wonders is a pain in the ass for the most part.

I don’t believe in this bullshit about waking up every morning with wide eyes and a sense of glee thinking about the new day. I wake up every morning and think. “Already? I haven’t even recovered from yesterday yet.” I don’t believe in false optimism. I don’t believe in exaggerated hope.

Things are what they are. Sometimes it’s great, most of the time though, things are difficult. People around you can be difficult. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to sit there and tell others how wonderful life is when, in truth, you are dying inside.

I know suffering makes us better. That is it’s only redeeming value. If there were no strength to be gained from suffering, it would be utterly useless.

So that is how I manage to get by each day. At the end of most days, I say… “Well, that sucked, but at least its over and when something even worse happens, I’ll be able to handle it, coz I handled the todays bullshit.”

Coz that’s what most of it is… bullshit.

So this brings me back to my tendency to romanticize suicide, or death. A few weeks ago, I was watching Frontline on PBS. And this guy, who was sick from a terminal disease that gave him only a degenerating body to look forward to, and no decent quality of life, decided to opt for assisted suicide. As I watched this guy take his pills, fall asleep and then peacefully slip away into eternity, I felt an incredible amount of envy. All I could think of was my own death, and how good it will feel to be out of this mortal body. To be free of my defective brain. To be free from all of this mortal bullshit.

I’ll stick around until my time is done. Why? I’m not fully sure. I know I’m told that there is a great reward if I endure my life well, along with it’s inherent bullshit, but that’s not what I’m sticking around for. I honestly think the reason I don’t off myself is because I have a sense of responsibility for the life I have. It was given to me, so I have to make the best of it, despite it’s hardships. Whether I like it or not, it’s a gift. A gift with some benefits, and some nasty drawbacks.

Either way, I’m looking forward to my death. I think that, if I leave this life knowing I didn’t let it beat me, it will make the rest that much more sweet. I won’t have regret about how I lived it, I will know that I did what I could, that I put up with the bullshit, and now I can be free of this oppressive mortal state with a sense of peace. Peace will be the final reward. I couldn’t be at peace knowing I didn’t finish the race honorably.

Learning a little isn’t knowing enough.

So, I’ve been reading this book on personality disorders. It’s extremely interesting, if not downright fascinating.

Now, I don’t claim to be the most scholarly man… It’s accurate to say that when I take up the challenge of reading a book, especially one that deals with social science, I won’t understand a good portion of it by straight reading through. I end up looking up words, re-reading passages and stopping every few paragraphs to ponder exactly what the author is trying to put across. Therefore, it takes me a while to get through a book… any book. Ok ok, there are exceptions. I read Hannibal Rising in three days, and Victor Frankl’s Mans Search for Meaning in an afternoon. For me, that’s pretty damn fast.

I think the hardest book I ever read was Power Vs. Force. That book was a huge stretch for me. I actually had to read it twice to really know what it was about. It was, however, one of the coolest books I’ve ever finished, and probably the only book I’ve read twice, aside from certain religious scriptures, and apocryphal texts.

Now, I have several books I’ve started, gotten half way through, and never picked up again. One was Rough Stone Rolling. A book about the life of Joseph Smith Jr, the founder of the Latter Day Saint church… I guess I got bored of it. I will probably pick it up again when I feel like I want to know even more about Joseph Smith than I care to. I must say, however, I loved reading his experience with peep stones, and things of an occult nature. It shows he wasn’t some dogmatic preacher type, and he had a wide interest in other beliefs, at least of what was available to him at the time. He was a rebel. Rock on, brother Joseph! I get it, man.

Anyhow, back to my current book. Personality Disorders in Modern Life.

This is the perfect example of how one should never think they ‘know’ something simply because they’ve cracked open a book on a certain subject. I freaked myself out on the first couple chapters. I ‘discovered’ that I had an avoidant personality disorder in those few first pages… I read a graph that outlines the typical behaviors of that certain disorder. “Holy crapola! That’s ME!” –

– A little background – I have been in therapy. I spent nearly 2 years in a group trying to overcome my symptoms of depression. It worked swimmingly for the most part, I struggle sometimes, but I know how to manage it. –

So, I start to worry. “I’m disordered… I thought I suffered from depression, not a personality disorder, I thought I was ok!” I spent the next few days analyzing myself and picking out all of my avoidant feelings. I started to label myself as an avoidant and it was killing me. It made me question my decision to go back to school and get a degree in psychology. After all, if I’M that screwed up, how could I help anyone else overcome their problems? But I persisted and am on chapter 5. Since that first chapter, I have grown in my understanding. I’m not disordered. I have a personality that has a certain flavor that could be called avoidant, but that flavor doesn’t cause pathological behavior. I can adapt to most situations and function in my job, family life, and social life. We all have some of these traits and styles at play in our personality. What makes it a disorder is when the behavior becomes a rigid and inflexible pattern, which, in turn, can cause someone to experience certain symptoms. In my case, depression.

Here is what else I’ve learned. When I was in therapy, I had a really good therapist. Looking back, he actually helped me treat, what at the time, could have been considered an avoidant style. That is why he suggested I start group therapy. He never put a label on what type of personality disorders I might have… but he did put me on a path that would help me overcome the symptoms of depression. With the benefit of hindsight, I think being avoidant was one of the main causes of my depression. I learned how to overcome my avoidance for the most part while in that setting. I’ll be damned. I never really even understood why group therapy was good for my depression, but it was. I think I now have some insight now as to why it was so helpful.

Maybe I’m on the right track as to understanding a bit more about personality disorders, though I’d never claim to be ‘knowledgable’ on the subject. Nor would I ever try to assess what type of personality someone might have. It’s far too complex.

Wait until I’m done with school, then ask me if you’re a narcissist with sadistic traits. I’ll feel confident in telling you that you are.

Dealing with a violent mind.

It’s been on my mind of late. Violence. Acts of violence I could perform as a public service to the rest of humanity. I have this secret world in my mind, where I’m a vigilante. I don’t wear a special suit, I’m not a hero, I’m just me. Except I want blood.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a bully on the ground, sprawled out and near unconsciousness. I reach down, grab him by the shirt collar, pull his head upwards as my other fist, with no resistance or mercy, heads straight into his wide and fearful eyes. Once my fist connects with his face, I can almost feel the dull pain in my knuckles throb upwards through my wrist as the impact stops it cold. I raise that same merciless fist back up and repeat the action over and over and over until I feel cleansed. I always feel as if I’ve done a just thing.

I know that in the real world, this isn’t appropriate. I know that if I were to do this outside of my own fantasies, I’ve be put in jail, not to mention feel pretty guilty afterwards. I have raised my fist and brought it down on someone that was pissing me off at a concert, but he didn’t even see it coming. I felt better for about 3 minutes, then suffered weeks and weeks of regret.

So, knowing that I have this nasty tendency to fantasize about beating the living hell out of someone, I have had to find a way to keep this in check. After all, our thoughts become actions if we nurture them by dwelling on them. So here is how I deal with my mind.

The Set Up: You had a lousy day, and your boss couldn’t get enough of antagonizing you in every way possible. You could see the glee in his eyes as he had the joy of telling you that you were as worthless as tits on a bull, if anyone else were to get fired from the company, you’d be next, coz you are considered dead weight. As you sat there, knowing that you had no choice but to take it (Recession and all, and you have to take care of a family of 6), he saw fit to add “Hey, I’ll be driving past your house. I’ll stop by and pop your wife”, then leave your office with a fart and a grin.

“Nice.” You thought. As you sat, once again shocked at his complete lack of humanity, you started to form an elaborate fantasy that involved a car battery, jumper cables, a tub of cold water, and his nipples. You thought of the things you could do with some barbed wire and a 220 volt power outlet. WAIT! you catch yourself going into the violent cycle of thought. How can you get past this?? You surely deserve justice, even if it’s imagined. Here is what works for me:

1) Tony Robbins taught this method. You replay the event in your mind, but you add your own silly soundtrack. Next, you replay it again, with the soundtrack, but place a clown costume on the offender. Next, you replay the event, with previous mentioned changes, but then have their pants fall down. Basically, you relive the incident over and over, but as comedy. Slapstick. As something that could never be taken seriously. You can use whatever variation you want, and it’s up to you how you make this event replay as comedy. Once you’ve repeated it enough times, the memory becomes tainted as comedy, and it gives you a smile instead of more angst.

2) You can take the compassionate approach–This one works well for me. When someone comes off as vile, miserable and rotten, I think “What made this person into who they are? What events turned this person into such a heartless, mean spirited and contentious person?” Normally, people learn this behavior. They learn that they can, through these acts of force, counter their own feelings of weakness and powerlessness that someone else caused them to feel. Usually it’s a parent. They have to find others they perceive as weak, target them, and flex some muscle in order to have a sense of strength and control. After all, it’s the tactic their parent used on them to feel empowered. Of course, it’s a false sense of power, but it gets them by. Once you realize that this person must be damaged through past abuse by a parent or family member, compassion can stir up within you. You can realize that this person is incredibly weak. You can realize that this person has been given the burden of sadism through being sadistically treated. They have bought into the delusion that nothing can inflate your pride like humiliating others. You, on the other hand, know better, have more strength, and are a more emotionally mature than they. You begin to feel sorry for them. You almost ache for how pathetic they really are, and may even want to treat them with more civility and not add to their burden.

3) Never underestimate the power of dismissal– Once you have enough personal strength and compassion built up, and this situation arises, you can simply dismiss them all together. You know you can pick and choose your battles, you know they are just throwing out words. You know that this person is completely disempowered in their own life, You on the other hand, know of your own empowerment. Once the verbal assault is over, exhale. Symbolically let go of it. The Buddah once said, and I’m paraphrasing — if someone gives you a gift, and you don’t receive it, to whom does the gift belong?– Words to live by.

My violent thoughts are about vengeance, justice, and payback. However, I know that I can’t act on them. It just isn’t realistic to think I could get away with it. So, I follow these 3 practices in order to diffuse the need for a retaliation, and put a bully in proper perspective.

In truth, our experiences only take on the meaning we attach to them. If you can dismiss and leave behind someone who has offended you, you realize exactly how empowered you truly are. You realize that you act independently. Your reaction isn’t dependent on the action of another. You have the freedom to choose, and respond in a way that you know is right.

The fishbowl is getting muddied.

Despite being trapped in this bowl called Self, I have had a pretty clear view of what’s going on around me. Well, of late, that hasn’t been too true. The water is getting cloudy and stagnant from all the crap that is getting stirred up. Some of that fecal matter is my own, but it’s also from others taking a dump straight into my consciousness, but this is a metaphor I don’t wish to take any further because I can feel myself about to take my turn in the blame game. Its my bowl, and my responsibility.

Well, I can take it a little further by saying this: It’s time to flush the bowl, and hope I don’t go down the crapper with the rest of the contents in here. Maybe God will hold me in His net while this current mess is in the cleaning process. That is a matter of faith though.

Anyhow…

My head hurts. It hurts from the excessive thought, the excessive concern over my ‘eternal welfare’. The fear that any wrong move I make is going to bring me immense suffering in this life and in the life to come. I have come to obsessively fear failure.

I think its fair to say that my perception of my religion has failed me. I’m not a God and therefore incapable of achieving a God-like lifestyle. I’m never going to be the person who magically perceives the needs and struggles of everyone else and be able to miraculously respond with just the right antidote. I don’t know that I even WANT to be that guy. I don’t want to be swooping off, invading other peoples private lives so that I can be some kind of Savior to them just to feel worthy of my status as a temple recommend holder.

I will never have the correct scriptures memorized, I will never read the entire Deseret Book store’s inventory. I never want to. I will seldom buy a book written by an Apostle or a Prophet detailing their personal history, because I’m simply not interested. I am not interested in the most recent LDS pop artist, nor am I interested in Michael McClean or his Forgotten Carols. As far as I’m concerned Janice Kapp Perry is just as unacceptable to be in my iTunes playlist as Katy Perry. I despise the thought of touting around a CTR ring on my finger simply because I don’t want anyone to get the false impression that I’m ‘righteous’. I’m not righteous. I’m not. I never was, and I never will be, at least not in the sense that I’ve come to believe ‘righteous’ to mean.

I am a child of God, just like the punks, the skaters, the gays and lesbians, the rockers, the drug addicts, the gang bangers, the alcoholics, the smokers and the Starbucks fanboys. I’m a child of God just like the people who enjoyed Fight Club, went to the store on sunday, missed a church meeting or ditched sunday school. I am a child of God just like the emo’s, curmudgeons, cynics and skeptics. I am a Child of God just like the tattooed, pierced and porn addicted. We’re all, in one way or another, beautifully broken and looking for some type of redemption.

I don’t blame the LDS Church. I blame myself for misunderstanding and falling for LDS social myths and pressures designed to effectively save face, and nothing more. The LDS Church has been an effective guide for me in my life. I believe it, follow it, and uphold the principles it teaches to the best of my abilities, as I can best understand them. I will fail at times, but I’m supposed to. It was never meant for me to get it all right, all the time. If I did it all right, I’d have no use for religion.

And yes, TWILIGHT CAN SUCK IT!

Memo to my coworkers

I have realized that my approachability when being asked questions of late has been less than comfortable for everyone. In light of this, here are some rules of engagement that you may want to follow when approaching me with a question:

1) Money offering. A small token of appreciation is always welcome before asking a question. Amount of token can be determined depending the complexity of the question. Offerings in increments of 5, 10, 20, and 100 are acceptable.

2) Light a candle, fragrance the air with sweet smells of spring time. It’s a nice time of year for me, because I like flowers. Then, put on some soft music. No Kenny G. I hate Kenny G. Early Tom Waits is good. Lower the lights, then ask away.

3) If I seem especially cranky, this will call for drastic measures. Go outside, grab a stick, and find your whitest hanky. Tie the hanky to the edge of the stick. When approaching my office, DO NOT STAND IN THE DOORWAY! Instead, take a defensive approach. Wave your makeshift white flag before entering my line of sight.

4) If I thought any one of you were attractive, I’d say,show a little leg. But in your cases, it would just piss me off more than I already am.

5) Consider your question carefully before releasing it into my conciousness. Is it relevant? Am I the appropriate person to be asking? Is your question meant to gain information or to make an accusation? Most importantly, is it a question that YOU should have the answer for? The sales team has many questions, and many of them really ought to be known by you before they ought to be known to me. The truth is, I obtain information from you so that I may do my job, not the other way around.

6) start the question out with a compliment. “Gee Brett, you’ve really put in a lot of hours to accomodate our lack of planning and knowledge of the company’s production schedule. I noticed you worked 55 hours last week, and your on salary and aren’t getting compensated for that extra 15 hours you put in, and you did it for me. THANKS! ” If you can’t muster up that kind of compliment, try “Hey, Brett, you’re looking less ugly today” I’ll know that at least you’re trying.

Thanks guys, You’re awesome. I hope that one day, I’ll have a better attitude and be less intense when you walk in with lame, irrelevant questions to which you ought to already have answers for. Until then, I really really appreciate your patience with me.

To Mosque or not to Mosque

I’ve been reading a lot about this controversy as to whether or not Muslims ought to be able to build a mosque near ground zero. I’ve gotten into a few pretty heated exchanges about it with others. Some of my friends say that it’s something that shouldn’t happen, because its a tactless and insensitive act on the part of Muslims. Other of my friends say that it’s their right to build where they want.

I think both sides have a point. Yes, I think Muslims should have been more sympathetic to the reaction of America as a whole. Yes, 9/11 was done in the name of Islam, however misunderstood that Islamic doctrine might have been.

But in my mind, worshipping/not worshipping God however you wish to is a privilege that is fundamental to America. I ask for that privilege and I’m not about to deny anyone else that privilege simply because a group of extremists from the Middle East gave Islam a bad name. I don’t agree with plenty of what Islam has to teach, but there are a lot of things that I can agree with. I simply isn’t right that we would try to deny them their rights or harass them for building in a certain place.

We have to be willing to walk our talk when it comes to religious tolerance (don’t misinterpret my tolerance as acceptance, though) and freedom for everyone, not just whomever has a good reputation within American culture.

I believe everyone ought to have the privilege of owning a gun, but I don’t own one. I believe that everyone ought to have the privilege of speaking their mind, though I would never say 80% of the bullshit that people are saying now a days. I believe that people ought to have the privilege of worshipping God how they wish, in the way they wish, in what place they wish, even if I don’t agree with their doctrines. I think people ought to be able to pray in school, in business meetings, social functions and in political discussion, if they so desire. I also believe that they ought to be able to pray near ground zero without being harrassed and provoked of they wish, as long as they do it peacefully and don’t take the path of extremism.

So I don’t have a problem with Muslims building their Mosque. As long as they do good in their communities, and uplift and strengthen the moral fiber of their people and the people around them, then its ok by me.