I’ve been struggling through a nasty cycle of anxiety and depression the past couple of weeks. Nothing overpowering, but I’m not adapting very well to my current life changes. It’s normal, I suppose. I’m in the beginning phases of changing my career, re-evaluating my role as a parent to a teenager, re-committing to my role in my church, and re-discovering myself a little.
As the kids get older, they start needing you less, and you have to encourage a certain degree of autonomy and self reliance. When you have more time to reflect on yourself, you rediscover things that you may have forgotten about yourself, and things you’ve neglected.
All of this accumulating stress has resulted in a nasty bout of anxiety, and mild depression. I woke up feeling worried and stressed about the little things. I have become hyper-vigilant again, anticipating others will despise me or hurt me. A tone of voice, a look, people whispering, people giggling is interpreted to be about me, and my deficiencies.
How do I get out of this state of mind? It’s not easy. It takes time, and it takes some effort. I’ll mention a few things I do.
1) Accomplish something: Not only does it take your mind off of whatever is producing the anxiety, it boosts your sense of self worth. Write a song, write a poem, build a bird house, change the oil in the car, organize your room, do the dishes, climb a mountain, take a hike, do some volunteer work. Their is always an opportunity to accomplish. Every minute that ticks by is an opportunity to do something that benefits you and/or something else.
2) Engage and interact: When you have the problem of fearing what other are thinking of you the same way I do, it’s can be paralyzing. You avoid interaction with others, you become withdrawn and lonely, even though you long to get to know others and have other know you. When I start this cycle, I make it a point to do little things to interact with other people. If I’m in the store, I’ll say something chatty to the cashier, or another customer that might be standing next to me in line. If anything, smile and say hello. It’s one word. When I’m in church, I force myself to say something to participate in discussions, or volunteer to give a prayer, or read a scripture. If you aren’t part of a religion, there are may opportunities to participate in discussions. In family, in classrooms, at jobs. Take your pick but make the effort and take the risk to SAY SOMETHING to engage others. How does this relieve anxiety? You participate in REALITY, not just what is in your head. Once you experience the reality of socializing, you will start to replace anxious, unrealistic thoughts with actual experience and knowledge that there is no threat to interaction, and that a little embarrassment won’t kill you.
3) It’s not all about you: I remember when I was standing outside of Maritime Hall in San Francisco, waiting for a concert to start, I mentioned to one of my friends that I felt uncomfortable and felt that others were looking at me and judging me. Christine looked at me and blurted out ‘Brett, not everything is about you!” It shook me a little and gave me a mental jolt. In the first seconds of processing that statement, I thought maybe she indicated that I was conceited, but quickly realized that she was simply saying that people have better things to do than pick on me or judge me. People are living their own lives independently of me and my deficiencies. I felt a sudden sense of relief and felt I had received a HUGE reality check. It wasn’t “All About Me”. A more accurate statement would be “Its not all about my deficiencies or worthlessness” Now, when I start to entertain the thought that whispers and giggles are about me and what is wrong with me, I flash back to Christine, and the statement “Brett, not everything is about you”.
4) I have what I call a “Trigger Word”. My trigger word is “Bullshit”. : Yeah, it’s not the prettiest word, but it’s an effective word. It’s a jolting word. It snaps me out of negative self-talk. When I start thinking out a scenario where I’m persecuted, insulted, accused and being shamed by others, I say to myself “This is bullshit”. Why? Because 9 times out of 10 its the truth… my thoughts are bullshit. It’s just my way of reenforcing my own self doubt, insecurity and fears. What others think or say about me isn’t my business. And in truth, it’s most likely that people aren’t saying anything about me. If it is true, it’s usually in some benign context. They haven’t discovered my deficiencies, and even if they have, so what? Who’s perfect in this world? I have a lot more strengths than I do weaknesses. These negative thoughts I’m playing with are simply one thing. Bullshit.
5) The last thing is simple. Don’t be afraid to feel good about yourself. Realize your potentials, strengths and abilities. We all have weaknesses and need to overcome them, but that isn’t all we are. We aren’t the sum of what our problems are. If you receive a compliment, keep it with you. Carry that acknowledgement of your abilities quietly with you and reflect on that in times of beating yourself up about your deficiencies.
Just be ok.
