Need a light? / 4-7-08

Was it all for fun? Or was it all for the pain I needed?

When the depression did it’s worst on me, I needed something to make the pain valid. The depression had no external source, therefore it was not real. An illusion brought on by a chemical that wasn’t quite balanced. It felt real enough, so I gave it a source. You. 

You made sense of my pain, the darkness, the self loathing. You made it all fit. I had a scapegoat. For every negative feeling I felt, every minute of fear, humilation and paranoia, you were there to give it the reason and the basis. As long as you were there, I didn’t have to admit I wasn’t well. I didn’t have to admit I needed help. It was the perfect frame job.

One morning I woke up and you were gone. The reality set in and I knew I had no one to blame but me. That was the first time I felt truly alone. Completely abandon and left to myself to be accountable for my own life. As I turned away from your memory, I turned into my own darkness and finally struck that match that should have been ignited so long ago.